Jesus, Son of David have mercy on me. -Mark 10- Lord, I am a sinner. I fear the just consequences of my actions. Have mercy on me Lord for I am weak and you are strong. Help me to remain in you.

Today through conversation with Caroline I came to understand more of my lust. In an act of betrayal -a fabrication- I realized the reality of lust and the damage that comes with it. I hurt Caroline because a physical act of betrayal is like cutting off my body parts and selling it to all who are willing. Just like dividing a limited love into many parts. That’s why physical love is so limited. But when it comes to spiritual love, the source is not my body, but the Lord himself. And he never runs dry. He is divisible and indivisible because the pieces of his love fill up any quota that we give him. And he wants to break off the limiter on love. The Lord has convicted me of my weakness and made it strength. My love has been twisted into a conditional thing such as lust and I am no longer bound by such materialistic chains.

“It takes one to know one.”

I realize now, in writing, that I have been rejecting my humble namesake and judging others without realizing the plank in my eye. It certainly takes a materialist such as my self to point out another in the crowd.

Watching her eyes on the podium I could see the joy in  her – a joy that comes from setting amazing goals and reaching them – a joy that springs from giving all you’ve got and reaching just higher than anyone else.

Amazing.

Kim Yuna is a beautiful and inspirational woman.

I wanted to just start writing again. I had made a promise to myself that I would write everyday on here and I failed. Since Caroline and I psuedo-broke up, I have had trouble finding who I am. I had previously thought that Caroline was the one dependent on me, and that  our break would be for her. But I’m finding that I am the one left in the darkness.

I was reading in a lot of random texts that how one spends one’s time is who that person is made up of – and I realize that a lot of the ways that I had been spending my time bored me. I was in the habit of doing things that held my attention and nothing more. I did not challenge myself. I did not excel.

I thought of when I was younger and had dreams of flying. I had something to prove to the world. I had to prove to everyone that I was better than my brother. That I was somehow stronger. One day I woke up and realized that I no longer needed to compare myself to him. Maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe I realized that he wasn’t much to aspire to be. Maybe it was when I started to look down on him – on how he was addicted to drugs. Or how he was becoming so weak physically. I lapsed into a time of stasis. I slowly began to unravel again, in my own sort of style. I touched people’s lives in different ways. And by the time I went to college I was beginning to bloom. And then I cut myself short. And I realize what it was.

I stopped loving life.

I don’t know. Hindsight isn’t 20/20. It’s just conveniently passed and completed.

–

Today I am so thankful for Caroline! She is the bomb. For Christmas she has already gotten me 3 packets of macaroni and cheese. They are not normal macaroni and cheese-they are pokemon edition! And 500 Days of Summer. ‘Cause that movie’s the shit! Unfortunately she’ll have to spend Christmas Eve way out in High Point with family. But I guess it works out for the best because I’ll be busy with stuff at church.

I will form good habits and become their slave.

I will do 30 pushups every morning. 20, 20lb curls. One bible verse. And I will begin each day anew. Shedding the skins of failure that add up. And cleanse myself of selfishness. Blemishes return, and scars remain, but I will be unencumbered by the past, only encouraged through it.

I hung out with Teresa Nuna and her kids (Brandon, Matthew, Alexander, Ethan) and it was a lot of fun. All the boys have grown up to be strong willed and energetic young kids.

On another note, I will continue to post a line or two about my current “mission” or “purpose” which will follow along Og Mandino’s Greatest Salesman in the World:

I will form good habits and become their slave.

I will form good habits and become their slave.

Thank you, Lord, for the sunshine.

Thank you, God. Thank you for the new day.

The single anomaly.
Break in the Fabric.
Known unknown,
Unlimited in potential,
Insatiable in desire.

Ephemeral,
and forever begging to differ.

It winks into existence
Clinging to the life of another.
One body, made two
By blood and pain.

It gives meaning to the host
purposes and plans
value for the here and now
A veil to hide uncertainty.

It forsakes the host
seeks the warmth of another
In hopes of improving
the monotonous formula.

It does.

Becoming Masters of deception,
Authors of destruction,
Keepers of lies,
and Judges of nothingness

—

”    ”

From frosty to frozen and barren to bleak
I forget all I loved, forget how to weep.

Hell freezes over
And Heaven does, too
Hopes, dreams, desires
All frozen through.

I beg for the heat, I beg for the rain
But nothing is moving, all is the same…
Only emptiness follows

I, now empty, move in the shadow, one with the black
I realize that now, there’s not turning back.
Death only follows; I drift toward his gates
Imagine, with relish, the wound his scythe makes

I welcome this change, my hope becomes real
He swings down his blade, from shoulder to heel
Blood stays in my veins, but out pours my soul
Identity lost; I, no more whole.

—

Nuh-uh

Guns don’t shoot, they snap or crack
Swords don’t slice-they hack.

I’ve never seen a dog that bites
They chomp and munch and crunch.

Lips don’t kiss, they stretch and pucker
Fists don’t punch-they bash.

I’ve never seen lights that shine
They buzz and burn and stutter.

They say forever, but it means nothing
They cheat, they lie, they end.

They say they change, remain the same
They fake, deceive, and kill.

Planes don’t fly, they swoosh and zoom
Trains don’t choo-they rattle.

I’ve never seen a cat that pounces
They yelp and yowl and meow.

Clothes don’t warm, they cover and hide
Glasses don’t fix-they conform

I don’t believe that money buys
it crinkles, jingles, jangles.

Nothing’s quite like what they say
I wouldn’t trust me neither.